This Mother’s Day….

Today would have been the day that I would wake up and dare someone in my house to have not gotten me a gift.  I don’t care if it was a card from the Dollar Tree, I know I better have SOMETHING!!! And I wish you would say you weren’t going to church! TUH!!!

“Do you know I was a size 4 with NO stretch marks before I had a child?!”

“Do you know that your head is the same size NOW as it was when  you were born!? Yes it was!!! Honey you grew into your head and I have to admit I was quite nervous.  That’s why it took you so long to sit up, because your head was weighing you down!”

 

“You could iron on my stomach before I had a child!”

“Do you know the things me and Melanie used to do before we had kids?!”

Well me and Melanie didn’t have any business doing ANY of the stuff we did before we had kids, but that was my Mother’s Day speech. I had to make sure she knew how much I sacrificed for her. But she knew, and she rolled her eyes every year and would just say “Ok Ma… I knooooow…. and I love you.” when I went into how long I was in labor. (I had to exaggerate because I had a VERY fast delivery).

Although many of you think I am this incredibly caring and generous person, I do have a side where it’s “All About Dee”, and those close to me know this side.  I can remember being upset with my ex husband because he never recognized me on Mother’s Day; he would always say “You’re not my mama”.  It never really occurred to me that he was hurting on Mother’s Day because he lost his mother when he was younger. Sometimes we can’t understand the destruction of a tornado until it tears down our house.

This year the tornado hit my house.

I thought I was prepared for this weekend.  I went to Walmart and bought Swiss Cake Rolls, pizzas, hot dogs, ice cream, pies, and cakes; just entirely too much junk food because I was going to sit in the house and eat, watch tv and sleep. But see….. the way my friends and family are set up, they won’t even let a girl be sad in peace!!!

This Mother’s Day was different because I didn’t have Ari here to wake up extra early and cook her famous eggs and pancakes for me to have breakfast in bed.  She didn’t surprise me with a really good gift that she somehow managed to get someone else to buy. I wasn’t able to take usies with her in the restaurant after church, or AMEN when the preacher told the children to “Honor thy mother and father”.  This year I didn’t even want to go to church. But I seemed to have joined a church full of stalkers who won’t let you miss a Sunday in peace!!! So I got out of bed, put on my Mac and high heels, because I most definitely am not going to look how I feel, and went to church.

Today my Pastor told me that I will ALWAYS be a mother.  Today I was flooded with texts messages, calls, messages and comments on social media and a plethora of hugs (My church family is going to hug me to death!) telling me that I’m still a mother. Even though in my head I was thinking, but I don’t have a child anymore.

I am the Queen of saying “I’m ok” when I’m really not.  This weekend I made a long list of things I was going to do, to keep myself busy while I was eating and watching tv…. But I somehow never managed to look at that list.  Today was HARD, it may have been one of the hardest days since the accident.  Even when I went to put on my Wonder Woman cape, I just couldn’t today.

I have done A LOT of things in life, and many I will never mention in order to not incriminate myself, but Ari was one of the best things I never planned to do. When I put the hashtag #MyDaughterIsBetterThanYours on our pics I meant it! Your kid wasn’t touching mine! lol And even though I fussed and made a big deal on Mothers Day about gifts, she was the best gift I have ever received.

Well today while I was in one of my “It’s All About Dee” moods I kinda ignored the woman who I’m the best gift in the world to……. My Ma! The woman who is ALWAYS there, except when she would fall asleep and wouldn’t pick me up from the skating rink, but that’s ok I know you were tired. The woman who taught me how to be the amazing mom she said I was to Ari.  Thanks Ma! I know it was hard raising me, I’m amazed we both made it through myself… LOL  I love you ALLLLLLL the way to the moon. And when you come to visit this week….. I will make you a new Tupac playlist and I wont even roll my eyes when you try to rearrange my house!

 

Hard to say Goodbye……

I was given an “assignment” to write a goodbye letter to my daughter Ari….. I stalled.  I just couldn’t find the words then I heard Beyonce’s new song “Formation” and I laughed to myself because I imagined Ari in the bathroom getting ready for school, doing her make up and BLASTING that song! “I did not come to play with you hoes, I came to SLAY!” I’m laughing as I write this, if you knew “My Ari” you’re probably laughing too….. She TRULY believed she was Beyonce!

I can’t remember where I heard this but I remember hearing someone say “People don’t die until you stop talking about them”.  It’s been echoing in my head the past 3 months, 2 weeks and 2 days.  If you think about it, it is true.  What if we stopped talking about Dr. King? Would his dream still be alive?

Recently I’ve realized people don’t know what to say to me.  It’s like they’re afraid.  I get weird stares when I talk about Ari so openly.  They look at me in disbelief, as if I shouldn’t talk about my child that was so influential in my life for almost two decades.  I just keep thinking to myself “If I stop talking about her then she REALLY dies.”

 

People have asked “Dee when are you going to write again?”….. I guess today, but I won’t write a “Goodbye Letter” because although I have let Ari go in the flesh, Goodbye is too permanent of a word for me.  And if you know me, I am always very careful and strategic with my words.

If you attended the Homegoing Celebration of my Ari, I read a letter that I wrote to her 3 years ago.  That letter was describing what a unique and special child she was, I just wanted her to know how much I admired her. So instead of a goodbye letter, I will write her a “Thank You” letter, for helping to raise me.

 

To My Ari,

Seventeen years ago I was a confused girl who had given birth to a baby girl.  I’ve always been very open and transparent in admitting I have no idea how you turned out so well, cause I was lost.  The mother thing was not automatic for me.  I didn’t see a bright light shine down from the heavens, or feel this rush of love sweep through my heart when you were born.  The only thing I could think about after you were born was if Melanie was going to remember the coke when she brought the Hennessy to the hospital to visit me. I was lost!

But as time passed I began to realize that I had to get myself together or you were going to be a lost little girl like me.  Well, honestly it was when you tried to go outside and go to “work” with the hookers, when we lived in Montevallo Gardens that I KNEW I had to change some things! When Dr. Price helped, well made me, go to school I had no idea how much our lives were going to change.  As I look back on things, that was only the beginning for us.

As you know I love quotes, but one that I always kept in mind while raising you was by James Baldwin “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”  I remember when I was young and knew everything, whatever my mama told me I did the EXACT opposite; but there was so much she DIDN’T tell me to do, that I picked up unknowingly.  I went to college, almost your entire life, and because you always saw me in school you always did well in school.  You fussed at me for working too much, but then you became a hard worker yourself.  You even began to change your hair color habitually like me, and grew a love for sneakers like me as well.  Whenever I would have a brief thought about reverting back to my old ways I would think “And what will Ari do without me?” And I would stop being a drug dealer in my head and go back to teaching.

 

I woudn’t say that you were my world, but my world definitely revolved around you.  I admired you so much for being different, because when I was growing up I was too afraid to be different.  You helped me to start doing things for Dee and not thinking so much about what others said or thought.  I never wanted to be your “friend” but I always wanted us to have open lines of communication.  I knew you wouldn’t come to me about everything, but I did want you to know that I was there, and I wouldn’t judge or condemn you.

We both know our relationship was far from perfect, you went through the “Oh my God my Mama gets on my nerves” stage and we had our share of blowouts.  I fussed and yelled when you left one fork in the sink, were constantly distracted by your phone, when you would take my stuff without asking or when you didn’t feed or take Coco out.  And I gave you a hard time about “that boy”, because I couldn’t let you know I thought he was good for you and that ya’ll looked cute together. *rolls eyes* I tried to give you responsibility without being overbearing.  I wanted you to have freedom to be yourself but to know there were boundaries in my house.  While I was trying to instill that in you, you helped me be responsible and to hold myself accountable for everything that I did.

It was like we were the perfect team.  We understood each other and we just let each other live.  You were and have been the ONLY person in my life to know so many depths of me, and love me regardless.  You were the perfect example of unconditional love.

So now I have my good days, and some days are not so good. I miss you immensely.  This is the hardest thing I have EVER had to go through.  I feel like I have no direction, like all of the plans in my head have been cancelled, because all of my plans included you.  I’ve been lost before but this isn’t the lost girl that I was 17 years ago, this is a woman who finally thought she had it all figured out kind of lost.  The only thing that keeps me from going crazy is I KNOW this was planned, just not MY plan.

 

So I can’t say Goodbye to you, I feel like saying Goodbye is leaving behind everything you have helped me to become.  Instead I will just say Thank you….. Until I see you again.  And I promise, when I do, I will hug you with no objections.

Love you all the way to the moon and WAY more than Red Velvet Cake!

~Ma

To make sure “my baby” never dies, I have created the Ariyanna D. Benjamin Scholarship. Visit  www.darislove.org for more information 

 

 

Conscious Hypocrite

I believe it was the mid 90’s when “The Real World” aired. I can’t remember which season it was, but I remember a young Tami Roman being on the show and she had another cast member kicked off for pulling a towel off of her when she got out of the shower.  I don’t know if that’s when it all began but I do remember several “reality” shows airing, but that was the beginning for me… I was hooked to reality tv.

I will be the first to admit I have watched quite a few reality shows from Basketball Wives to Sister Wives. Some I have kept up with over the years, others I may watch for a season and then lose interest. I can’t quite put my finger on what makes me like one more than the other, wait….. yes I can. I like drama. Yes I said it, I like drama. Even the scripted shows that I have followed for more than one season are dramas. When I read for leisure I read dramas or non fiction, cause who’s life isn’t filled with a little drama?

Have I ever said to myself “Dee you shouldn’t be watching this because it is degrading black women.”? Nope, but I have said to myself what makes them sign up for this show and make a fool of themselves? But I still watched. I even have some of the shows set to record in the event I can’t see them the day it airs. The ONLY show that I stopped watching because I felt it was too much was Basketball Wives, I’m not sure if it still comes on. But it did something to my spirit, so I stopped watching.

This past Monday, Sorority Sisters aired on VH1. When I saw the trailer I felt some type of way. I guess conflicted would be the best word to describe my feelings. As a member of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Inc., I asked “WHO IN THEE HELL AGREED TO THIS!?!” We (we = Black Greek Letter Organizations) aren’t supposed to participate in this type of “coonery”! I was outraged and I wanted to know who would even agree to be on the show. But on the other hand, I wanted to watch. I wanted to know exactly what kind of foolishness would transpire on the show. I did decide that I wouldn’t support this show. I may only be one person, however it was going to be one less viewer in their numbers. TUH!

So then my Big Sista posted this on her Facebook page the night the show aired…..

Ok so yeah… She has a point here. As I watched a plethora of Greeks post statuses about the show, my prophytes’ words rang in my mind. I felt like a hypocrite. 😦

A friend of mine, who is a member of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority Inc. stated: “Today made me reevaluate it all man. I was like I’m offended because it’s on my doorstep I shouldn’t have been okay with it being down the street”. I understood her comment. I have watched the news and saw many people affected by natural disasters, and I felt bad for them, but it wasn’t until my neighborhood was hit by a tornado that I understood the amount of destruction it caused.

Members of Greek organizations are not any better than those who are “non-Greek”, we just decided to seek membership into our respective organization for various reasons. At the same token, yeah we think pretty highly of ourselves and the organizations that we belong to. Since we are members of these organizations, who were all founded on premise to help the Black community, why did we not take a stand for the community instead of waiting until it knocked on our front door? Well maybe WE didn’t understand the destruction that it really caused until the tornado tore down OUR neighborhood. For example, Eric Garner and Mike Brown aren’t the first black men to be killed by the police but they are the ones who have stirred up a movement. ALL Black women don’t act like the shows on VH1, ALL Greeks don’t act like the ones on the show, ALL rappers aren’t like the ones on Love & Hip Hop,….. but obviously some do act like that for the cameras.

On the flip side of this issue I can see why the women may have decided to join the cast. As I read the tweets and statuses of people who watched the show these women have career aspirations and businesses. There is no secret that shows like this can propel your career forward. I’ve even looked for some reality stars businesses myself. Also these women are human, they see the life that many reality stars live, going from “being in the strip club” to getting paid for appearances from state to state, and they want that life. Although to many these shows may seem degrading, I have seen the cast members thank the producer for changing their life, the life might I add that we are helping them live.

I also felt conflicted when I watched as WE attacked our sisters who are cast members. No WE don’t agree with what they are doing but aren’t they still our sisters? I fight with my brother all the time but I’ll be damned if anyone else fights him! I have supported the boutique of one of the cast members in the past. Although I’m upset she decided to do the show, I also became a little upset when people made rude comments about her & her business that I KNOW she worked hard to establish over the years. She is still my sister, no matter where she pledged right?

There is a lot going on in the Black community right now, and I urge everyone to take a serious look at things. Because the Greek community was so outraged they began to contact the companies who showed ads during the shows’ time slot and since then several companies have pulled their ads. This may seem small but it does send a message. Imagine if we started doing that for ALL the shows that degraded the community? Imagine if we just STOPPED WATCHING THE SHOWS?!

After my Big Sistas Facebook post I deleted all the shows that I have recorded and set to record. I know I’m just ONE person, but I think that’s where it starts.

~Dee

“Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything,  They just cry over their condition.  But when they are angry, they bring about a change.” -Malcolm X

Bootylicious

Although I’m biracial my mom has always been known for her big booty… she had a big booty so yeah you guessed it they called her “Booty” in her younger days 😉 Yet to my despair instead of getting the booty gene from my mom I inherited her smile….

In true nature of human beings (we always want what we can’t have), I longed for a big booty. After the birth of my daughter I began taking the depo shot (birth control) and I soon started to gain weight. It was cute in the beginning, and my “duke” began to start poking out but shortly after so did my stomach! Needless to say I stopped taking that shot, I guess I figured being fat was worse than getting pregnant *shrugs*.

We live in a time where having a nice round backside is a very sought after asset. Women are literally dying to in an effort to have a nice round backside. ‘Booty Shots’ are in high demand and although the cost of these shots are extremely expensive women are literally doing whatever it takes to get them, even if that means going to a hotel to have them given by someone unlicensed.
Ok so I won’t say I haven’t thought about the “booty shots”, I even consulted some acquaintances that I have in the “Clear Stiletto Modeling” business on who and where they obtained their shots. After hearing the price of the shots and thinking about the risk I decided against it. Driving to Mississippi is dangerous enough; I just didn’t want an untimely booty shot death in a random hotel to be publicized.

I was even sucked into buying the “Brazilian Butt Lift” dvd set *deep sigh*. The dvd set is fun, and I have done the exercises but not on a consistent basis. But with the weather warming and talks of beach visits I have pulled the dvd set out again.

So now I have a group of friends who have begun the “30 day Squat Challenge”.

It was suggested that we do these squats in heels, and I have been doing my nightly squats in a pair of 5 inch heels and I am definitely beginning to FEEL THE BURN!!! This morning as I began to sit for my morning bathroom meditation I was very uncomfortable. I am actually typing this blog standing up. Hopefully after 30 days I hope to have tightened and lifted the booty area a little. My intentions were to post a before picture of my booty but you see the way my relationship is set up…………

So ladies if you are reading this and you want a little booty transformation please join in! I’m not saying it’s going to be easy but hopefully you will be “Bootylicious” naturally. Always keep in mind, everyone wasn’t built the same, God designed us all differently so know your body and be realistic in your goals. YOU are your worst critic but please think about safety and health first! Don’t do anything drastic in an effort to look like the girls in the magazines or videos, remember as a wise man once said……

~Dee

This is what I would do….

Last week I posted a blog from a male friend of mine describing an intimate situation in his life.  If you didn’t get a chance to read it make sure you read “What Would You Do?”

That blog sparked alot of conversation on Twitter and even a few comments…. One comment I wanted to share was a response to a question by a friend of mine, who is also a relationship counselor. This was the question & response:

Sevenyears

I am a married female and I have been married for quite some time! This article is GREAT considering this conversation just arose today amongst my peers. So what do you do when you are faced with this situation? When you’ve exhausted all options to spice up the bedroom? But still get the same results. But yet your still hungry??

• Hmmmm…. That is a GREAT question & I wish I could give you some advice but I’m just a blogger. But I will get someone who is a relationship counselor to give you some advice…. Give me a minute. ~Dee

• Sevenyears,
  Coincidentally, I just had my 7 year wedding anniversary yesterday. You haven’t given a lot to go on, but I’ll try to answer your question (or at least give you something to think about). Disclaimer: I’m a young guy, but I’m a bit old-fashioned.

  One, most sex problems are not sex problems; they’re relationship problems. Oftentimes, sex is a symptom of something else wrong in the relationship. Communication issues, underlying resentment, stress, power struggles, etc. can manifest themselves in the bedroom.

  Two, it may be an intimacy issue. Remember the bedroom is not the only room in the house. There’s a living room (Do you sit and talk?). Maybe there’s a den (Do you just hang out together?) There’s a kitchen (Ever cook a meal together?) There’s the dining room (Do you share meals, or does everyone go their separate way)? There’s a bathroom (Shower anyone?) You get the point. Satisfying sex often begins outside of the bedroom (This is especially true for women?)

  Three, and this ties into the second point, maybe the answer isn’t more sex (or kinkier sex). Perhaps the answer is more intimacy. Without intimacy, sex is just a physical release minus the emotional, relational, and spiritual involvement.

  Four, do you guys have sex in its proper place? What do I mean by this is? If your relationship is built on a foundation sex, then it (the sex) will always have be good enough to hold the weight of the relationship. The foundation should be loving commitment.

  Five, the problem may be that you both are living in a fantasy world. By fantasy world I mean that you two may have an expectation that is not realistic. If you fantasize about other people, the beauty of your partner will begin to fade. For men, pornography contributes to this by painting an unrealistic of women and sex. There is an equivalent for women as well – romantic movies, romance novels, fairy tales, Fifty Shades of Grey (a 27 year old billionaire is not walking through the door), Tyler Perry movies (Yeah, I went there.) The point is that it’s hard to be satisfied with your spouse, life, sex, etc. when you’re comparing it to something/someone else. Just my opinion (And probably not a popular one.)

  Six, maybe you just meant you want more orgasms and everything else is fine, and I typed all that for nothing.

  

  What I Would Do….

  This response REALLY made me think! What are we asking for? Intimacy or an Orgasm??? Now that I am older, just sex is not satisfying enough.  I want a more “intimate” connection with my partner.  Maybe that is what his wife means when she says he doesn’t come on to her.  As I have gotten older the things I once thought was sexy and a turn on, no longer excite me.  If she is a mother, working, in school, or doing any of the many other things women seem to do, maybe it’s HER that doesn’t feel sexy.  Try taking her away from the house, where she is worried if the baby will wake up and away from the pile of laundry on the floor.  Maybe if you remove her from that element where she is not thinking about what time she needs to wake up, and what chores she left for the next day she may be more receptive to your advances.  Remember these are all suggestions… I’m NO expert!!!

  

  Life changes and as we grow we seem to lose sight of “small” things while worrying about what we feel are “big” things.  Communication always seems to be the response whenever a problem occurs in relationships but the saying “Actions speak louder than words” comes to mind in this situation.  Have you REALLY tried, I mean actively tried, to do something to change this? Because maybe your pleas, or communication isn’t coming across in the way you intended…. But hey… if an orgasm is all you want then…… I guess THAT’s why you cheat.
  ~Dee

What Would You Do?

Awhile ago a male friend of mine complimented me on my blog posts.  He then admitted to me that he writes for recreation and as an avenue to release his thoughts, but he never thought about publishing any.  I told him that if he ever wanted to publish he could do it anonymously through my account. So last week I received this email…..

So here is his 1st post…. Hope you enjoy!

WWYD???

An older female once told me that she would never have to worry about her man cheating on her because she will always give him more than he can handle.  As a youngster, I laughed and called her crazy/silly.  But now as an adult, I vividly remember her seriousness when she said it.  Now I feel that statement!  In other words, if he does step out, it will not be because she is not “dropping” it at home.

In my mind, this let me know how important it is for a boyfriend/husband to be intimately satisfied at home.  Then I started to think about my own situation.  I’ve cheated.  I have a very attractive wife, who is a great parent to our two kids, but she does not “drop” it at home.  Thinking back to that wise older female mentioned earlier… Is this why I cheat?

MORE THAN ENOUGH

I was reared to be a real man, therefore I do manly things, but I also have manly needs!  I pay all the bills, keep the house exterior flawless, maintenance the required fix-ups, raise my son (hands-on) to be a man, and also compliment my beautiful companion on how good she looks from the early morning crusty eyes…

to the late night Michael Myers beautification mask.

What I want in return is a little action, just a little bend of the back on occasion.  Maybe some fellas do not handle their shit in a grown man manner, but I fell I definitely do.  So I think I do more than enough to deserve a little action.  Perhaps I am under-appreciated.   Is this why I cheat?

WHY NO ACTION

It may be because she is not attracted to me physically.  But wait… I’m 6’3” and 230 pounds.  I go to the gym 3-4 times a week to make sure my body stays tight.  (I have heard that I look damn good naked)  I am fairly handsome; so I’ve heard. And oh yeah my “man’ is nice size.  Actually more than nice!  Probably should have went into porn! LOL!  So it cannot be the physical aspect.  Hey what about the mental connection?  Both of us are intelligent, well spoken, nicely dressed and groomed and love to talk about randomness.  Why is our communication not as good as it should be?

Because of the physical stalemate that I admit I can’t figure out, our mental connection is suffering because of it.  That’s it….Communication!  Maybe this is why I cheat!

4 PLAYERS

Oh I know!  She says we don’t get intimate because I don’t come-on to her.  I just want to fuck it and leave it.  Answer this ladies:  I kiss her back, feet, toes, undercup of breasts, nipples, massages back, butt, attempt to passionately kiss her, eat the STRESS out of her pussy, and talk to her while telling and asking what is next!  Is that not foreplay? Or is that too much play?  After all these years, I can count the amount of times on my fingers (forget the thumbs) of how many times she has attempted to entice me.  As a man, if I keep trying to go down one path and there is a wall, naturally I will try to knock it down. However, I will only try so many times before I find another route.  So yes I will get in a mood, perhaps one of the two times we get intimate in 6 months, that I just want to hit it and quit it.  Reason being is that without a kiss, oral sex, or anything of the sort… It feels almost like I am fucking a prostitute or something.

I know that if I did pay a Tute for “Love you long time” then there would not be any of the above… Period! Absolutely no foreplay!  Fuck and get up.  But that is what is going on anyways right?  That has to be why I cheat right?

WWYD

Gas stations, my children’s schools, work, traffic lights, bars, sporting events, and damn near anywhere else; women almost plead for the chance to compliment brothers that they can smell are in need of it.  A compliment leads to convo, which turns to chance, which transforms to opportunity.  Remember that wise older female?  Well she also said that whatever one person won’t do, another is more than willing.  (I know this goes both ways, but remember MORE THAN ENOUGH)  Everything missing at home is being provided by this opportunistic woman I’ll call Jane Doe.  She is dying to entice, listen, and just enjoy the moment!  OUR MOMENT!  I tried to beat that same wall down, so finally I had to take another route.  Funny because as soon as I turned around, Jane Doe opened a “side door” and let me right in.  What Would You Do?  As bad as it sounds, I cheated. In essence ladies if he is doing his part (and trust me… I know several of us are not) then you must do your part. Believe it or not, men do things we do not want to do all the time, just to keep our mate happy.  With that being said, sometimes you should too, even if it is just bending your back or “dropping” it. But wait…. You may be “dropping” it, just somewhere else! DAMN

My sentiments EXACTLY!!!!!

RELAUNCH

It’s campaign season and the commercial storm is brewing up something serious! Being in a battleground state there is no shortage of politically influenced commercials. I am so tired of these commercials. I understand the candidates promoting themselves, but these “Americans for …”, “Citizens Against…” etc.,  [insert high pitched scream]!!!

I never thought I’d miss “regular” commercials. Like where is the “Pine Sol lady, the Popeye’s lady, the Allstate guy and my favorite “French guy” from the State Farm commercial?” Where are the Chevy commercials, the BMW commercials, the “Built Ford Tough” commercials??? WHERE ARE MY COMMERCIALS!!!??? While watching my favorite morning news show, one commercial break featured three commercials… ALL POLITICAL!!!

My mind is already made up of who I am going to support on the ballot for President, how I am going to vote regarding specific ballot measures and I’m sure the same is true for you. Even…

View original post 29 more words

A World Full of Confused Bitches

About two weeks ago I read Kanye West having a confession hour on Twitter in regards to the word bitch…. After his rant he referenced a song by Lupe Fiasco “Bitch Bad”.  Until this day I had never heard this song.  I clicked on the link he provided in his tweet and I watched the video.  Needless to say I was intrigued, and his lyrics really got me to thinking.  I made a mental note that I needed to blog about this topic…. So here it goes… The Case of the Confused Bitches

If you haven’t seen the “Bitch Bad” video here you go…

Yes I’m guilty of calling my friends bitches, hoes, tramps, sluts, slores, you know the various degrading names that only your friends who love you are allowed to call you.  Does it change the meaning because they are my friends? No.  Does it make it sound better because I love them? No.  But hey, it’s just something I do.  I can’t tell you WHY I do it, I can’t even tell you WHEN I started doing it.  I just know that it has become a habit.  I don’t mean any harm, and I should probably work on it but I’m human and to err is human.

But I do not, have not and will not refer to myself as a “Bad Bitch”. I don’t even know what that term really means.  In my head it’s kind of like the word “Diva”… it’s imaginary.  Most of the time self-proclaimed, and well most of the “self-proclaimed “bad bitches” I know need more people to convince me of the title.  However, I can understand why women want to be a “Bad Bitch”, hell isn’t that what every rapper wants? A bad bitch to ride in the passenger side of his foreign car that he takes everywhere, on expensive trips and buys Italian purses.  If I believed everything I heard in rap songs I would want to be a bad bitch too.  You hear these successful men belt out lyric after lyric about bad bitches and how that’s what every man wants, so you try to be this bad bitch… but what exactly is a “Bad Bitch”???

Again if I believed everything I heard or SAW in a rap video I would think a “bad bitch’ was a “long, haired, thick red bone who got her own house, her own car, 2 jobs and is independent”… Wait… I might just be a bad bitch huh??? Wait…. Nah bruh… back to my blog…

So on my quest to be this bad bitch I go buy me some long silky hair, fake eye lashes, fake nails, draw on my eye brows, get some butt shots, and run around town being all independent, but I still can’t find a man!?! WHAT THE HELL!!! AINT I A BAD BITCH!?! So now I’m mad cause now you “niggas” can’t handle a bad bitch like me so I become bitter and this happens….

 

Then I listen to the radio and a “relationship expert” tells me that men don’t want “Independent” women they want “self-sufficient” women and I thought the words meant the same damn thing. Oh hell… I done went from “bad bitch” to “confused bitch”.

But who is REALLY confused here!?! The “bad bitches” or the “real niggas” (Oh “real niggas” is a whole ‘nother blog!!!)

As an educator I see so many girls trying to be “bad bitches” when they are fine being the women or budding young ladies that they are.  As I told you before I have TWO teenage girls in my house now, and they listen to these songs and watch these images daily.  I just argued with my daughter because she thinks I should have kept my hair blonde and never cut it… because “light-skinned girls look better with blonde hair”, but what if I don’t want to look like all other “light-skinned girls”.  Who determined this was the best look for us “red bones”???

I told you all before I don’t have all the answers, I don’t know how to stop this “Bad Bitch” epidemic that has plagued the world.  All I know is I see a plethora of “Confused Bitches” daily… and it’s disheartening.

~Dee

Daughters

I know I haven’t written in a while, but I have been jotting down notes of things I want to write about when I finish this semester of summer school.  One more week… Pray for Me!!!  But this morning there was something heavy on my heart that made me say…. I have to write at least a paragraph. 

I am in preparation for my 13 year old cousin to come and live with me; she needs a change of environment.  As I discussed the situation with my aunt yesterday I assured her that being with me was the best thing, she needs to come stay with family; we can try and make this work.  When I hung up the phone I thought to myself:  Am I what she needs???

Last night I downloaded Nas’s new album.  You have to REALLY LISTEN to Nas because he’s deep, more than money, clothes and hoes. And although I have heard the song “Daughter’s” before this morning as it played on my way to work it just hit me harder than before.  Maybe because I have a daughter, maybe because I am someone’s daughter, maybe because I am about to be the role model of someone else’s daughter.  All I know is that something is happening to our daughter’s, our sons, our children. 

This weekend in my hometown, Birmingham, Alabama, a 4 year old boy was killed during a neighborhood celebration day.  Almost EVERY day I get news of someone else dying, someone being murdered,  something crazy a child has done.  What is going on???

4 Year Old Struck and Killed by Vehicle as People Flee Gate City Shooting

http://blog.al.com/spotnews/2012/07/post_770.html

I am not an “expert”… I don’t know what to say we need to do.  I don’t know where we are going wrong, but obviously WE, are going wrong somewhere.  So I just ask that you all pray for me as I try to not only raise my daughter but to also help raise my cousin.  And I will continue to pray for OUR children as well.

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”  -James Baldwin

Sex Ain’t Better Than Love!?!?!!?

In 2009 Trey Songz belted out lyrics indicating that he was SO good in bed that whoever slept with him was going to think he invented sex.  Now in 2012 he has changed his tune to sex ain’t better than love. This Sunday I had a conversation with a group of friends, and the men agreed that sex is good but it isn’t a determining factor in a relationship because, in their words: “I can get pussy whenever I want it, from just about anybody I want it from.”  They went on to say that when you have it “all” at home and still go out to have sex with someone else, it’s just greed (and they were referring to men AND women).

A few weeks ago a female friend of mine was trying to explain to me why she was cheating on her mate.  She said the “passion” was gone and it was more like they were roommates instead of friends.  BUT she said her current mate was like her BEST FRIEND and she loved him but they just lacked that “passion”.

If you have ever been in a serious relationship I think we all hit that spot where we aren’t as sexual as we first started seeing each other.  You know how the saying goes, nothing compares to new ________ (insert your preference here). But when that fire dies down and you are left with having to REALLY be with that person what do you have left? I have had “friends” that I only saw after the club and sometimes I even considered seeing them when I was fully sober and the sun was out, yet those phone calls seemed really awkward before midnight.  But we had “passion”.  That sexual attraction that we see when we watch movies, “passion”… that longing desire that they show on Soap Operas daily. You know that “passion” that we dream of that goes along with that fairy tale marriage and house with the white picket fence, a dog and 2 kids.

So the question we must now answer is……. Do we REALLY want to be in a relationship with someone who is our “best friend”? What is more important in a relationship, passion or friendship?

Now I have stated time and time again that what I write is simply my opinion, so take whatever I say with a grain of salt, a lime and a shot of patron…. But I do always ask for others opinions.  I asked this question to my “Social Site Circle” (FaceBook, Twitter & even Instagram) and the results were quite surprising.  Of the 58 responses that I received 52 people (33 females/19 males) said that friendship was more important and 6 people (2 females/4 males) said Passion was more important.  I also received some very good responses.

Whenever I am teaching and I give my students an assignment I read the directions aloud to them.  Then I ask does everyone understand the assignment? They will all nod or say yes.  But later when I grade the assignment they will have done it incorrectly because they did not follow the directions.  I will then bring the assignment to class and we will go through the answers.  But first I will read the directions and ask them the definitions of certain words, LOW AND BEHOLD!!! They usually don’t know what some of the words mean, so how can they possibly do the assignment correctly when they don’t understand the directions? I think we need to first define what friendship and passion is….

So now that we have both the definitions, ask yourself which is more important to you?

I may be telling my age but back when I was in high school a group made a song that went like this….”And if I evvvvver, ever fall, in love againnnnnn, I will be sure that the lady is a frieeeeend”… Who remembers that song? Well I believe that friendship is essential to a relationship.

Do we need passion?  Well I guess that depends on what you’re passionate about. I’m passionate when it comes to my friends, I will do ANYTHING for my friends, and the men that I have loved, have always been my FRIENDS.  Those men that the sex was mind & back blowing were nice, but it always lacked something, and that was friendship.  I’m goofy, hood, moody, have a smart mouth, can be selfish at times, like to have my way and want all the attention, and only my FRIENDS can love all of that about me.  I’ve been with men where passion just didn’t seem to be the appropriate word to explain what we had because LAWD they could look at me and my panties fell off, but I couldn’t be Dee.  I held back, because then he may not have seen me in that way if he knew how dingy I am at times.

Can you lose passion? I think passion is like a fire, eventually it dies down, but it’s up to you to get the fire burning again.  We are lazy, we live in a day and age where we complain about relationships not lasting like the ones our grandparents had, but do we work to have what they had? Was their main focus passion? Or were they passionate about making their relationships last?

Many of the “independent” women of today say that want it all, they don’t want to “settle” and I can completely understand that.  I mean who doesn’t want to have their cake and eat it too? However, I think that in a time where the divorce rate is extremely high we may need to begin to look at what we consider “settling”.  In my opinion it’s not the passion that fades in relationships it’s the effort.  We seem to get comfortable. We go to work every day, come home, cook, clean, deal with kids, watch our favorite shows, tweet, facebook, talk (to everyone but our mate) & text (the people we didn’t talk to) then we get in the bed go to sleep and then wonder why our relationships don’t have any more “passion”.  I think we have become accustomed to 4G speed and everything being at our fingertips, we have forgotten how to work at doing anything.

I’m not implying that you can’t have both, I’m just saying that maybe we need to focus on what we have instead of what we don’t have.  Somewhere there is a women sitting in a home with a man who she has wild, passionate sex with but she’s lonely because they don’t talk to each other, they’re not friends.  And on the other side of town there is man who is best friends with his girl but he doesn’t put forth any effort to be passionate or make her feel desired so he is feeling slighted and so is she.  Instead of leaving, or cheating why don’t they just address the issues and put back what’s missing? Or maybe that’s too much to ask.

Relationships won’t always be a Harlequin love novel, they can only be what you put into them.  What are you putting into yours?

~Dee